I thunk-it

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Secret Attack Squirrel's mental condition: not improved at this time, however...

Secret Attack Squirrel rallied briefly overnight after a quick scan of his fav' blogs, wherein were posted certain documents exposing the UK-Blair government's filthy, disgusting, globally-illegal, immoral and outright evil wicked mean & nasty involvements of international torture running hand in claw & in concert with the USA's satanic Bushco crime family cartel.

But just minutes later, a quick scan of today's newspapers (via Slate Magazine) revealed no reportage of the above---this horrifying "error of omission" in the ink media destabalized Secret Attack Squirrel's mental condition and sent it into a screaming spiral-dive back into the flatlands of alpha/beta, where his brain face-planted on the valley floor of American Meatheadedness's underlying bedrock of basaltic stupidity.

Therefore, just like at this very same time yesterday, Secret Attack Squirrel now hangs comatose from an outer branch of the SAS Global Headquarters...there is one bit of good news: no fartbombs were released during this late-night Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am revival/collapse of Secret's Super-Heroic intellect.

Updates to follow as they present themselves.

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Early this morning:

After racing headlong into the "Media Matters" website (wherein the multitudinal lies, false-spins, errors and omissions of the "liberal"(sic) M$M are exposed, debunked and proven to be an endless flood of utterly right-wingnut neo'con Bushit) Secret Attack Squirrel was soon overcome with that debilitating condition known as "input overload" and is now suffering from that debilitating condition known as "cerebral meltdown".

Secret's last words before sinking into that bottomless pit of alpha/beta flat-lining: "It's more than one squirrel can bear alone."

Somewhat baffled by the apparently escoteric deep-meaning of this prodigous profundity, SAS's ERT (Secret Attack Squirrel's Emergency Response Team) immediately threw themselves into a three-way deepthink committee in the hopes of plumbing to the bottom of this remarkable statement...ERT agent #2 posed the following proposed question, "What does it all mean?" and the purpose of addressing that question was roundly seconded and thirded by agents #1 & #3 and then things get a little hazy, but...

After what can only be described as a Super-extraordianry bout of nifty but nutty deliberation, the ERT has issued the following:

ERT Deepthink Committee Resolution #213: Unless those in the USA who still support Bushco on any level can be forced to imbibe, cogiatate, assimilate, grasp and generally understand the significance of every scrap of evidence in the "Media Matters" content before Nov of 2006, the USA will sink into tyranny in late Jan of 2007;

...ERT DCR #213 subparagraph a): Ain't gonna happen because even a Super-Hero like Secret Attack Squirrel is damn-near powerless when it comes to overpowering/overcoming the sheer stupidity of the Average American Meathead's sheer stupidity.

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A parting comment/early obit': Owing to the fact that the right-wingnut monster-network [NBC] has now ripped into TOTAL control of MSNBC, Keith Oberman's "Countdown" is slated for burial as soon as the ink on the NBC/takeover/MS contract-shredding celebration is underway. The NBC Chopshop Headroller Dept is slated to issue this explanation: "We're sorry to be forced to force Keith out, but his absolute refusal to spin and regurgitate (R) corporate Bushit is intollerable---we MUST have a tryannical dictatorship ASAP and sadly, Mr. Oberman is a bothersome fly in (R) oinkment toward that end. John Steward: you're next...but that said, you are doing better and your soft-balling of O'Rielly 'when-in-the-flesh' on The Daily Show has not gone unnoticed---we appreciate the effort but you're gonna have to do better in the future."

The End

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Why is Secret Attack Squirrel always so active?

A: Severely limited by a brain case the size of half a walnut shell, Secret Attack Squirrel can only achieve super-computer-like intel' assesments by applying virtually all mental powers to the thought process. But this leaves little room for data storage---such as remembering how to spell, and names & places---which largely explains Secret's incessant activity: the drive for constantly hiding more nuts because the locatons of all past hidden stashes are instantly & forever forgotten; ergo: constant activity; however, this leaves no time for looking words up in a dictionary---a dictionary which can't be easily located because it's last location is now long forgotten.

But wait! There's more!

Now more than ever, our planet is at risk of falling under the tyrannical spell of an insipid dictatorship known as "The New World Order", wherein one individual (we can hardly use the term "man" in this case)...euphamistically and variously nicknamed "Chimpy", "Shrub", "Dubyuh", "Shit-4-brains" & so forth...gathers all the reins of global power into his own greedy little blood-stained claws: towit everybody then must do, think & say whatever the hell he tells them to---under penalty of extreme rendition and torture.

Another evil fuck named Hitler tried this last century, and he almost damn-near succeeded! The only thing that stopped him was the Mighty USA...but sadly, this new 21st Century neo'evil fuck named (expletive deleted) is the pwez of the USA, so nothing can stop this shrimp-turd---nothing short of a Super Hero.

Thus is born SECRET ATTACK SQUIRREL! And fighting against Bushy's tyrannical war against Truth, Liberty and the American Way is a never-ending battle, which takes up any & all free time remaining after more new nuts have been located, stashed and forgotten.

And that's the way it is.
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Daily Log:

Distraught and saddened into a rare fit of meloncholic mopiness, Secret Attack Squirrel is currently outside pacing (more like a hobble, really) up & down the south branch here at Global Headquarters. The cause? SAS is missing Black Jack Brisco: ie. missing having him around to taunt from on high.

To compound this uncharacteristic state of moodiness is the on-going Congressional Holiday Break (can't say "Xmas" break anymore) which has caused a perfect vacuum of daily hopes for any actual anti-shrub Beltway actions beginning toward the impeachment of duh wittow boy pwizidunt.

To make matters worse, this pathetic condition of mental putrefacton has now seeped into the minds of Secret Attack Squirrel's entire staff, leaving the SAS Global Headquarters in a depressing gloom of morbid inactivity on all levels...indeed, the only sound in this hollow tree at this time is the clicking of this keyboard.

End

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Eventually exhausting themselves late last night, Black Jack Brisco and Secret Attack Squirrel finally collapsed together unconscious, thus allowing a wary approach by Secret's ERT (Emergency Response Team). Armed with a hacksaw, two critter-muzzles (size small), three rubber mallets, a bottle stopper and three & 1/2 pints of Acne-brand acetone, our intrepid trio threw themselves into hasty action: muzzles were attached, Secret Attack Squirrel's fartbombs were "safed" via corking their launch tube with the bottle stopper and in minutes, the duct tape had been severed and then liberal doses of actone were applied...

...one can only imagine the ERT's surprise and wonderment at the rejuvinating powers associated with pouring high-octane paint remover onto the scratched, bitten, shafed, raw and de-furred hides of these two mortal combatants. Attempts at re-anesthetizing the two with rubber mallets proved ill-conceived and totally ineffective---and then Black Jack and all three members of the ERT were suddenly rendered senseless when a Secret Attack Squirrel fartbomb blew out the launch-tube bottle stopper and exploded right in their faces, briefly lighting up the star-spangled night sky.

This morning, Secret Attack Squirrel is resting (albeit uncomfortably) with the Sunday paper and one bit of good news that caught his swolen eye seems to be acting like a salve for his injuries: tomorrow's Barron weekly investor magazine--a publication of the Wall Street Journal--will feature an op/ed calling for Congressional impeachment hearings against the witto boy pwesidunt for committing impeachable crimes. Secret Attack Squirrel has issued the following statement: "Barron calling for impeachment hearings against this pwezidunt may well turn corporate America against W, and that would be a very bad thing for duh chimp, and a very good thing for US."

And to conclude: upon regaining consciousness last night from the brain-stunning effects of Secret's fartbomb release, Black Jack Brisco split for points unknown and it is hoped he'll not soon return.

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Daunted by an inexplicable increase in aerodynamic resistance, early this morning Secret Attack Squirrel checked in for wind-funnel testing with hopes of identifying the mysterious cause of a weird top-speed retardation, diminished flight maneuverability and a reduced stall-out vector.

After running several tests, it was discovered that Black Jack Brisco---the one-eyed broken-tailed cat that attacked Squirrel day-B4-yesterday---was still entangled in that duct tape used for recent battlefield-surgury repairs to Secret's finely tuned and state of the art flight surfaces.

This discovery also led to another revelation: Secret Attack Squirrel had been complaining about loud and incessant sounds best described as "caterwauling" coming from the vicinity of the sticky repairs just mentioned, and now there is little doubt that Black Jack is the source of the complaintive racket.

Attempts at affecting a quick removal of said Tom from said Squirrel have so far proved ineffective, owing to the rapidity of their movements confounded by a thick haze of cat & squirrel fur working in concert to obstruct Secret Attack Squirrel's ERT (Emercency Response Team); to further interfere with advances along these lines, two of the three ERT members have so far been unwilling to approach the fracas: one sighting fear of another accidental fartbomb release; the other listing a whole plethorea of manifold hazards associated with any proximity to an insensed and thoroughly pissed-off alley-cat being duct-taped to a sorely-wounded flying attack squirrel!

Further developments ASAP

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After one whopper-pile of high-explosives disappeared a few days ago in N.Mejiko, duh Feds broke all records at tracking-down & collaring the purps with their C-4 booty and wowzers did they screw up... Turns out these all-American fellows are just soft'n'fuzzy skin-headed brown-shirts---proof positive they have no links to terrorism and they were just "foolin around" and only planning to "have some 'good-ol' boy fun" randomly blowin things up.

But this Big Bust put a huge fly in Bushco's war on terror...these neo'patriots should-a been allowed to git away & blow up a few buildings, then Bushco could declare Martial Law and take over the whole world, starting with the USA.

The X-men responsible for this foul-up are now on administrative leave for arresting non-terrorists before they could kill enough gawddamn liberals to precipitate a National Emergency wherein the witto boy pwezidwent could finally hang the Constitutions out to dry once & for all neo'cons.

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While still in a coma, Secret Attack Squirrel lucked out on Monday: Waste Management's Glad-bag Munching Monster Machine was still a week away when he fell out of his tree and then lie dormant (ie knocked senseless) in the street for several hours. But luck is not perfect: blind-sided, struck & run over (repeatedly) by a speeding skateboard outfitted with snow plow and chains, Secret Attack Squirrel's brain was further scambled--this brutal hit & run assault also inflicted additional injuries which requred nineteen stitches in ten-pound test fishing line, six yards of (slightly used) gauze and a roll of duct tape pilfered from a negligent plumber's open van...t'was a display of "battlefield surgery" at its finest!

But that was just the begining: Secret Attack Squrrel was next spirited away by a not-so-friendly foe---Black Jack Brisco, a one-eyed cat with a broken tail (broken in two places) and suffering with a terminal case of mange---had just dragged Secret Attack Squirrel out of traffic (with dark designs in his heart) when a fortuitous attack of the itchies distracted him just long enough for our 4-legged super-hero to stagger away and then (sort-of) bolt up an old sailor's wooden leg (understandably mistaking it for a regally-robed tree) where-as the sailer hurled Secret Attack Squirrel to the relative safety of a near-by shed's tin roof just two blocks away.

Think Secret Attack Squirrel was out of the woods?...

But wait, there's more!

Hot on Attack Squirrel's scent, Black Jack went ripping up the sailor's other leg---ie the GOOD leg, the one with feelings in it---and instantly found himself passing birds in flight...he studied them closely, albeit with only one eye, hoping to gain some really-quick insight on mid-air steerage, navigation and safe landing proceedures...it was a fell day for both when Black Jack augered straight into Secret Attack Squirrel, intermingled his matted and scarce cat-fur & raw skin with the exposed, sticky goo on a loose flap of duct tape, and then all hell broke loose.

Secret Attack Squirrel and Black Jack Brisco were last seen embroiled in energetic negotiations concerning an immediate (and mutually desired) separation but wonder of wonders, it appeared that their activities actually had the unexpected effect of actually drawing them closer together!

What happened next is unclear at this time.


Mews at 11:00

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On the cusp of a cognizant revival, Secret Attack Squirrel was informed that all discussion on Bushco's admission to his illegal/impeachable wire-taps has been stripped from M$M, precipitating the untoward release of yet another fartbomb!...and now Secret Attack Squirrel has slipped back into his normal mental state of DUH! OMG! & WFT!

Coma at 7:17

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Somewhere deep in the sub-oakian chambers of Secret Attack Squirrel's super-secret undisclosed temporary venue tree---located just up or down or across some un-named street from SAS's Global Headquarters (currently abandoned for fumigation after in inadvertant fartbomb detonation) there was a loose rumor on the rampage: "Certain M$M outlets, reporters and journalists are flirting with disaster! They're REPORTING on one of Bushco's commissions of an impeachable crime! Run for you lives!"

Shocked, baffled and perplexed by this unexpected and outragously unbelievable rumor of a lighening-stroke of good old "American Free Press luminance" hitting so close the Hell House (aka White House) at 666 Evilwicked Way (formerly 1600 Pensylvania Av)---ie the home to Secret Attack Squirrel's arch enemy, the dark & incidiously stupid war lord Prince Tyranticus Bushiticus---Secret Attack Squirrel accidentally loosed yet another fartbomb and has rendered yet another super-secret tree in an undisclosed location uninhabitable for at least a week!

But in an unparalelled display of selfless heroics, Secret Attack Squirrel was the last to come out of the tree and now lies stunned---20-toes & belly-up---and is secretly hoping this is not one of those cosmically mystical days when the Waste Management Glad-Bag-Muncing Monster Machine regularly patrols the area...

Pews at 11:00

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With a dark and persistant cloud of toxic fartbomb fumes still hovering over Secret Attack Squirrel's global headquarters, operations have been removed to a secret/undisclosed location in a different secret/undisclosed tree somewhere up the street, or maybe down the street, or even across the street: we can't neither confirm nor deny any of that.

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This blog site has been temporarily evacuated due to the accidental release and unintentional detonation of a Secret Attack Squirrel fartbomb.

Run for your lives!