Tuesday, December 27, 2005
A fan writes to ask:
.
Why is Secret Attack Squirrel always so active?
A: Severely limited by a brain case the size of half a walnut shell, Secret Attack Squirrel can only achieve super-computer-like intel' assesments by applying virtually all mental powers to the thought process. But this leaves little room for data storage---such as remembering how to spell, and names & places---which largely explains Secret's incessant activity: the drive for constantly hiding more nuts because the locatons of all past hidden stashes are instantly & forever forgotten; ergo: constant activity; however, this leaves no time for looking words up in a dictionary---a dictionary which can't be easily located because it's last location is now long forgotten.
But wait! There's more!
Now more than ever, our planet is at risk of falling under the tyrannical spell of an insipid dictatorship known as "The New World Order", wherein one individual (we can hardly use the term "man" in this case)...euphamistically and variously nicknamed "Chimpy", "Shrub", "Dubyuh", "Shit-4-brains" & so forth...gathers all the reins of global power into his own greedy little blood-stained claws: towit everybody then must do, think & say whatever the hell he tells them to---under penalty of extreme rendition and torture.
Another evil fuck named Hitler tried this last century, and he almost damn-near succeeded! The only thing that stopped him was the Mighty USA...but sadly, this new 21st Century neo'evil fuck named (expletive deleted) is the pwez of the USA, so nothing can stop this shrimp-turd---nothing short of a Super Hero.
Thus is born SECRET ATTACK SQUIRREL! And fighting against Bushy's tyrannical war against Truth, Liberty and the American Way is a never-ending battle, which takes up any & all free time remaining after more new nuts have been located, stashed and forgotten.
And that's the way it is.
!
Why is Secret Attack Squirrel always so active?
A: Severely limited by a brain case the size of half a walnut shell, Secret Attack Squirrel can only achieve super-computer-like intel' assesments by applying virtually all mental powers to the thought process. But this leaves little room for data storage---such as remembering how to spell, and names & places---which largely explains Secret's incessant activity: the drive for constantly hiding more nuts because the locatons of all past hidden stashes are instantly & forever forgotten; ergo: constant activity; however, this leaves no time for looking words up in a dictionary---a dictionary which can't be easily located because it's last location is now long forgotten.
But wait! There's more!
Now more than ever, our planet is at risk of falling under the tyrannical spell of an insipid dictatorship known as "The New World Order", wherein one individual (we can hardly use the term "man" in this case)...euphamistically and variously nicknamed "Chimpy", "Shrub", "Dubyuh", "Shit-4-brains" & so forth...gathers all the reins of global power into his own greedy little blood-stained claws: towit everybody then must do, think & say whatever the hell he tells them to---under penalty of extreme rendition and torture.
Another evil fuck named Hitler tried this last century, and he almost damn-near succeeded! The only thing that stopped him was the Mighty USA...but sadly, this new 21st Century neo'evil fuck named (expletive deleted) is the pwez of the USA, so nothing can stop this shrimp-turd---nothing short of a Super Hero.
Thus is born SECRET ATTACK SQUIRREL! And fighting against Bushy's tyrannical war against Truth, Liberty and the American Way is a never-ending battle, which takes up any & all free time remaining after more new nuts have been located, stashed and forgotten.
And that's the way it is.
!
# posted by call me crazy @ 4:39 AM 
